Gigli: A Best Worst Movie

Gigli is a best worst movie.  Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez give Hollywood’s textbook performance on how to lose 70 million dollars in the box office, and the film is probably insulting to both gay and intellectually disabled communities.  The title, Gigli, which we find out “rhymes with really,” is infamously vague, and a poor attempt at hooking in a curious audience.

This

IMDB gives such an admirable plot synopsis that it would be wrong written any other way.  Here it is: “The violent story about how a criminal lesbian, a tough-guy hit-man with a heart of gold, and a retarded man came to be best friends through a hostage.”  Ergo, viewers won’t be surprised that Gigli scored a 2.4/10 on IMDB or a 7% on the Tomatometer.

sums

things up.

What could have been an interesting twist on Affleck’s portrayal of Gigli was actually just a strange plot hole.  We are told he keeps zero books in his house, and are led to think this is because he is illiterate--a plot device that would both explain his employment with the mafia and his empathy towards Brian, their intellectually disabled hostage.  But no, Larry Gigli just doesn’t enjoy reading.

Plot twist: the audience will actually appreciate Christopher Walken’s cameo. Simply put, this is because it doesn’t suck.  He talks about going to Marie Callender's, acts grumpy, and scowls a lot, so Walken looks right at home.

Like all other films on this blog, I guarantee a bounty of awful quotes. Here are some of the best from Gigli:

“This must be mental-fuckin'-illness week!”
“Suck-my-dick.com.”
“In traditional Tai Moi Chai, there are five levels of digital orb extrusion.”

Battlefield Earth: A Best Worst Movie

Battlefield Earth is a best worst movie.  The so called “Saga of Year 3000” is really just the saga of dreadlocked John Travolta and Forest Whitaker hamming it up on stilted boots. Even a $44,000,000 budget was not enough to make this poorly adapted version of L. Ron Hubbard’s weird book into anything more than a steaming pile of Scientology flop. Nonetheless, it can be pretty fun to laugh at.

Arguably the worst haircut in film history.

Director Roger Christian hardly bothers with background or scene setting, and many references within the film are utterly lost on viewers.   At one point we become curious why the slaves appear to be eating guacamole with their hands.  Or is it just gloop?  We may never know.

In year 3000, every day is guacamole day.

There is a plot, but I’ve granted it this only on technicality.  Here it is:  The last remaining humans on Earth are all either savages or slaves, conquered by the ogre-like race of Psychlons. Among them is Johnnie (Barry Pepper), the story’s protagonist.  His acrobatics and sharp wit rally all humans to his side as he leads a crack squad to free the planet of all Psychlon overlords.  Doing so means more than just pestering John Travolta, but actually teaching a presumably illiterate group of tribesmen to operate nuclear warheads and fighter jets.

Forest Whitaker, what are you doing in this movie?

Obviously, the day will be saved, but what we don’t see coming is part of the finale.  In the process of freeing Earth, Johnnie also destroys the Psychlon’s homeworld and the lives of billions of sentient beings.  It worries me that nobody even stops to consider the consequences of this genocide.

Battlefield Earth scored a miraculous 2% on Rotten Tomatoes, and has some exceptionally gag-worthy one liners to prove it.  Here are two of them:

“Well unfortunately, the company requires me to vaporize you.”

“I am going to make you as happy as a baby Psychlo on a straight diet of kerbongo” (We never find out what this means, but are lead to assume it is sexual).