Forest Warrior: A Best Worst Movie

Forest Warrior is a best worst movie.  Released straight to VHS in 1996, this Norris family production is like something out of a boy scout-hippie's wet dream.  Directed by Aaron Norris, and starring Chuck himself, Forrest Warrior round house kicks the message of eco-stewardship until it looks boring and low budget.

According to legend, John McKenna is the spirit of Mount Rainier, a warrior who can transform into a wolf, eagle, bear, or Chuck Norris.  He is known locally for saving women's lives and something weird called Soul Vision.  Needless to say, when a group of greedy loggers come to clear cut the forest, they are met with a pandemic of slow motion ass whooping.

"A mythical warrior and a group of adventurous kids
must battle the odds to save the wilderness."

Spirit Chuck and a ragtag group of five kids take it upon themselves to stop Travis Thorne (Terry Kiser, the legend from Weekend at Bernie’s), the corporate logging honcho.  When Thorne's lackeys maliciously destroy the children's tree house with dynamite, an act that nearly takes the life of young Austeen, Forest Warrior becomes a classic 1990's game of Home Alone.  The kids spring a number of mischievous traps including a set of homemade caltrops, some stinging nettle, and a rock-and-roll bit so distracting that Thorne's lumberjacks literally break character and perform a dance.

Though Forest Warrior means well, the film is so bad that it could be perceived as insulting to Native American history.  In the name of children's entertainment, director Aaron Norris's only film has unintentionally molested the concepts of folk lore, oral history, and forest conservancy.

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around,
it hears Chuck Norris.

Some of Forest Warrior's strangest moments include: the opening credits where Chuck Norris is shown running in slow motion for three minutes straight; some sexually symbolic shots of bark stripping machinery; and a scene that looks eerily similar to Boromir's death from the Fellowship of the Ring.  It's hard to imagine how Forest Warrior even earned a 2.7 on IMDB with quotes like these:

"I've saved the forest from your carelessness, now I'll save it from your greed."

"Well if there is nothing I can do to change your mind...(turns into a bear, deepens voice)...then maybe I can."

"That power was called down by the bear and it touched McKenna, and the spirits of the mountain joined in him."

Kazaam: A Best Worst Movie

Kazaam is a best worst movie.  Prepare yourself for an onslaught of Shaq.  Left, right, front, and center, we cannot escape this 325 pound genie as he repeatedly slam dunks cheese in our faces.  Despite the obvious lack of any theatrical training whatsoever, Shaq dressed up as a 13th century Arabic dandy more than makes up for it.  Scoring a lean 4% on Rotten Tomatoes, you just know it's going to be delectable.

Times were tough for more than just fashion in 1996, and watching Kazaam now really makes us realize this.  A slummy hometown and an alarming snaggletooth help us to identify Max, the film's child protagonist.  Typical divorce problems, and a roving gang of middle-school-aged, truck driving, Latino boys force us to wonder if we are watching a poor attempt at stereotyping, or something downright impossible.  That is, until impossible is flipped upside-down when Shaq is released from a boombox showering everyone in dust, wishes, and bad freestyle rap.

Thus the ridiculous premise of Kazaam is born.  Otherwise friendless Max and his lackluster genie are bound to each other until three wishes have been granted. Although Shaq's only wish granting parameters are to stay within the physical realm, the first one of three is nonetheless squandered on, "junk food from here to the sky." Might this be social commentary on T.V. snack advertisement brainwashing?  We may never know, but what quickly becomes clear is that Max and Shaq are meant for one another.

The rest of the movie can be divided into two types of scenes.  The Shaqs and the Shaq-nots.  Scenes with Shaq feature rap battles, genie lyrics, sleepovers, Shaq's BO, conjuring a shower, levitating French toast,  and the use of terrible 90's CGI to scrunch Iranian-looking villains named Malik into balls for slam dunking.  The scenes without Shaq feature Max's daddy problems, and well... that's about it.  Honestly, they kind of suck.

Shaq's Conjured Shower

The film wraps up nicely though.  Shaq turns into a jinn, and Max's scumbag dad gets a miraculous second chance.  Everyone's wish came true, even my own: that they managed go the entire time without once recycling music from Shaq Diesel (his 1993 solo rap album), or mentioning Shaq-Fu (his 1994 2D fighting Game).  Here are some quotes from the genie himself:

"That's not a wish, that's an insult!"

"May the fleas of a thousand camels feast happily on your lower regions."

"Kid, I told you, Kazaam don't do ethereal."

If all this talk about genies and Shaq-antics aren't enough to get you excited about Kazaam, I suggest you check out this quote reel from his time in the NBA.