Kazaam: A Best Worst Movie

Kazaam is a best worst movie.  Prepare yourself for an onslaught of Shaq.  Left, right, front, and center, we cannot escape this 325 pound genie as he repeatedly slam dunks cheese in our faces.  Despite the obvious lack of any theatrical training whatsoever, Shaq dressed up as a 13th century Arabic dandy more than makes up for it.  Scoring a lean 4% on Rotten Tomatoes, you just know it's going to be delectable.

Times were tough for more than just fashion in 1996, and watching Kazaam now really makes us realize this.  A slummy hometown and an alarming snaggletooth help us to identify Max, the film's child protagonist.  Typical divorce problems, and a roving gang of middle-school-aged, truck driving, Latino boys force us to wonder if we are watching a poor attempt at stereotyping, or something downright impossible.  That is, until impossible is flipped upside-down when Shaq is released from a boombox showering everyone in dust, wishes, and bad freestyle rap.

Thus the ridiculous premise of Kazaam is born.  Otherwise friendless Max and his lackluster genie are bound to each other until three wishes have been granted. Although Shaq's only wish granting parameters are to stay within the physical realm, the first one of three is nonetheless squandered on, "junk food from here to the sky." Might this be social commentary on T.V. snack advertisement brainwashing?  We may never know, but what quickly becomes clear is that Max and Shaq are meant for one another.

The rest of the movie can be divided into two types of scenes.  The Shaqs and the Shaq-nots.  Scenes with Shaq feature rap battles, genie lyrics, sleepovers, Shaq's BO, conjuring a shower, levitating French toast,  and the use of terrible 90's CGI to scrunch Iranian-looking villains named Malik into balls for slam dunking.  The scenes without Shaq feature Max's daddy problems, and well... that's about it.  Honestly, they kind of suck.

Shaq's Conjured Shower

The film wraps up nicely though.  Shaq turns into a jinn, and Max's scumbag dad gets a miraculous second chance.  Everyone's wish came true, even my own: that they managed go the entire time without once recycling music from Shaq Diesel (his 1993 solo rap album), or mentioning Shaq-Fu (his 1994 2D fighting Game).  Here are some quotes from the genie himself:

"That's not a wish, that's an insult!"

"May the fleas of a thousand camels feast happily on your lower regions."

"Kid, I told you, Kazaam don't do ethereal."

If all this talk about genies and Shaq-antics aren't enough to get you excited about Kazaam, I suggest you check out this quote reel from his time in the NBA.