Gigli: A Best Worst Movie

Gigli is a best worst movie.  Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez give Hollywood’s textbook performance on how to lose 70 million dollars in the box office, and the film is probably insulting to both gay and intellectually disabled communities.  The title, Gigli, which we find out “rhymes with really,” is infamously vague, and a poor attempt at hooking in a curious audience.

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IMDB gives such an admirable plot synopsis that it would be wrong written any other way.  Here it is: “The violent story about how a criminal lesbian, a tough-guy hit-man with a heart of gold, and a retarded man came to be best friends through a hostage.”  Ergo, viewers won’t be surprised that Gigli scored a 2.4/10 on IMDB or a 7% on the Tomatometer.

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things up.

What could have been an interesting twist on Affleck’s portrayal of Gigli was actually just a strange plot hole.  We are told he keeps zero books in his house, and are led to think this is because he is illiterate--a plot device that would both explain his employment with the mafia and his empathy towards Brian, their intellectually disabled hostage.  But no, Larry Gigli just doesn’t enjoy reading.

Plot twist: the audience will actually appreciate Christopher Walken’s cameo. Simply put, this is because it doesn’t suck.  He talks about going to Marie Callender's, acts grumpy, and scowls a lot, so Walken looks right at home.

Like all other films on this blog, I guarantee a bounty of awful quotes. Here are some of the best from Gigli:

“This must be mental-fuckin'-illness week!”
“Suck-my-dick.com.”
“In traditional Tai Moi Chai, there are five levels of digital orb extrusion.”

Battlefield Earth: A Best Worst Movie

Battlefield Earth is a best worst movie.  The so called “Saga of Year 3000” is really just the saga of dreadlocked John Travolta and Forest Whitaker hamming it up on stilted boots. Even a $44,000,000 budget was not enough to make this poorly adapted version of L. Ron Hubbard’s weird book into anything more than a steaming pile of Scientology flop. Nonetheless, it can be pretty fun to laugh at.

Arguably the worst haircut in film history.

Director Roger Christian hardly bothers with background or scene setting, and many references within the film are utterly lost on viewers.   At one point we become curious why the slaves appear to be eating guacamole with their hands.  Or is it just gloop?  We may never know.

In year 3000, every day is guacamole day.

There is a plot, but I’ve granted it this only on technicality.  Here it is:  The last remaining humans on Earth are all either savages or slaves, conquered by the ogre-like race of Psychlons. Among them is Johnnie (Barry Pepper), the story’s protagonist.  His acrobatics and sharp wit rally all humans to his side as he leads a crack squad to free the planet of all Psychlon overlords.  Doing so means more than just pestering John Travolta, but actually teaching a presumably illiterate group of tribesmen to operate nuclear warheads and fighter jets.

Forest Whitaker, what are you doing in this movie?

Obviously, the day will be saved, but what we don’t see coming is part of the finale.  In the process of freeing Earth, Johnnie also destroys the Psychlon’s homeworld and the lives of billions of sentient beings.  It worries me that nobody even stops to consider the consequences of this genocide.

Battlefield Earth scored a miraculous 2% on Rotten Tomatoes, and has some exceptionally gag-worthy one liners to prove it.  Here are two of them:

“Well unfortunately, the company requires me to vaporize you.”

“I am going to make you as happy as a baby Psychlo on a straight diet of kerbongo” (We never find out what this means, but are lead to assume it is sexual).

Forest Warrior: A Best Worst Movie

Forest Warrior is a best worst movie.  Released straight to VHS in 1996, this Norris family production is like something out of a boy scout-hippie's wet dream.  Directed by Aaron Norris, and starring Chuck himself, Forrest Warrior round house kicks the message of eco-stewardship until it looks boring and low budget.

According to legend, John McKenna is the spirit of Mount Rainier, a warrior who can transform into a wolf, eagle, bear, or Chuck Norris.  He is known locally for saving women's lives and something weird called Soul Vision.  Needless to say, when a group of greedy loggers come to clear cut the forest, they are met with a pandemic of slow motion ass whooping.

"A mythical warrior and a group of adventurous kids
must battle the odds to save the wilderness."

Spirit Chuck and a ragtag group of five kids take it upon themselves to stop Travis Thorne (Terry Kiser, the legend from Weekend at Bernie’s), the corporate logging honcho.  When Thorne's lackeys maliciously destroy the children's tree house with dynamite, an act that nearly takes the life of young Austeen, Forest Warrior becomes a classic 1990's game of Home Alone.  The kids spring a number of mischievous traps including a set of homemade caltrops, some stinging nettle, and a rock-and-roll bit so distracting that Thorne's lumberjacks literally break character and perform a dance.

Though Forest Warrior means well, the film is so bad that it could be perceived as insulting to Native American history.  In the name of children's entertainment, director Aaron Norris's only film has unintentionally molested the concepts of folk lore, oral history, and forest conservancy.

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around,
it hears Chuck Norris.

Some of Forest Warrior's strangest moments include: the opening credits where Chuck Norris is shown running in slow motion for three minutes straight; some sexually symbolic shots of bark stripping machinery; and a scene that looks eerily similar to Boromir's death from the Fellowship of the Ring.  It's hard to imagine how Forest Warrior even earned a 2.7 on IMDB with quotes like these:

"I've saved the forest from your carelessness, now I'll save it from your greed."

"Well if there is nothing I can do to change your mind...(turns into a bear, deepens voice)...then maybe I can."

"That power was called down by the bear and it touched McKenna, and the spirits of the mountain joined in him."

Kazaam: A Best Worst Movie

Kazaam is a best worst movie.  Prepare yourself for an onslaught of Shaq.  Left, right, front, and center, we cannot escape this 325 pound genie as he repeatedly slam dunks cheese in our faces.  Despite the obvious lack of any theatrical training whatsoever, Shaq dressed up as a 13th century Arabic dandy more than makes up for it.  Scoring a lean 4% on Rotten Tomatoes, you just know it's going to be delectable.

Times were tough for more than just fashion in 1996, and watching Kazaam now really makes us realize this.  A slummy hometown and an alarming snaggletooth help us to identify Max, the film's child protagonist.  Typical divorce problems, and a roving gang of middle-school-aged, truck driving, Latino boys force us to wonder if we are watching a poor attempt at stereotyping, or something downright impossible.  That is, until impossible is flipped upside-down when Shaq is released from a boombox showering everyone in dust, wishes, and bad freestyle rap.

Thus the ridiculous premise of Kazaam is born.  Otherwise friendless Max and his lackluster genie are bound to each other until three wishes have been granted. Although Shaq's only wish granting parameters are to stay within the physical realm, the first one of three is nonetheless squandered on, "junk food from here to the sky." Might this be social commentary on T.V. snack advertisement brainwashing?  We may never know, but what quickly becomes clear is that Max and Shaq are meant for one another.

The rest of the movie can be divided into two types of scenes.  The Shaqs and the Shaq-nots.  Scenes with Shaq feature rap battles, genie lyrics, sleepovers, Shaq's BO, conjuring a shower, levitating French toast,  and the use of terrible 90's CGI to scrunch Iranian-looking villains named Malik into balls for slam dunking.  The scenes without Shaq feature Max's daddy problems, and well... that's about it.  Honestly, they kind of suck.

Shaq's Conjured Shower

The film wraps up nicely though.  Shaq turns into a jinn, and Max's scumbag dad gets a miraculous second chance.  Everyone's wish came true, even my own: that they managed go the entire time without once recycling music from Shaq Diesel (his 1993 solo rap album), or mentioning Shaq-Fu (his 1994 2D fighting Game).  Here are some quotes from the genie himself:

"That's not a wish, that's an insult!"

"May the fleas of a thousand camels feast happily on your lower regions."

"Kid, I told you, Kazaam don't do ethereal."

If all this talk about genies and Shaq-antics aren't enough to get you excited about Kazaam, I suggest you check out this quote reel from his time in the NBA.

Cry Baby Lane: A Best Worst Movie

Cry Baby Lane is a best worst movie. This made-for-Nickelodeon Halloween accident aired in October of 2000 and runs the gamut from uncalled for creepiness to unintentional misogyny.  After its single showing, the folks at Nick received so many complaints from horrified parents that the film was locked away and not mentioned again once for the following ten years.

Referring to it as Nickelodeon's Banned Film, a member of the topics forum Reddit posted her VCR recording online.  Word spread through cyberspace and soon enough the movie had established a cult following.  Not wanting to miss out on the buzz, Nickelodeon rebroadcasted Cry Baby Lane in 2011 as an homage to the 1990's.

While the story of Cry Baby Lane's release is funny, the Legend of Cry Baby Lane from the movie itself is anything but.  Really, it's quite repugnant.  A long time ago (the 1950's...) a farmer and his wife give birth to conjoined twins, one of whom is good, the other evil.  Unable to handle the shame of difference (sigh), the farmer locks his babies in an attic where they are forced to eat insects, until finally their shared liver gives out and they die.  Not wanting to expose their singular corpse, the boys are chainsawed in half and buried separately.  The good baby is laid to rest in a cemetery, the evil one in a ditch at the end of Cry Baby Lane.  You probably get why parents complained.

Andrew's Romantic Interes

The story picks back up 50 years later as the legend is laid out before twelve-year-old Andrew, our wimpy protagonist, and his older brother Carl, a bully.  In a boondoggle they think will woo some local girls, the brothers hold a séance to contact the good twin at his actual grave.

Due to a highly inconvenient burial mix-up, the evil twin's spirit is accidentally released upon the town.  Following that, the rest of Cry Baby Lane depicts a combination of family problems, Andrew's battle with the possessed townies, and a chattering ghoul inside the twin's grave.  In an unexpectedly surrealist style, many scenes are broken up with intermittent shots of pulsating neon worms in an otherwise black and white backdrop. 

Inexplicable Worm Motif

The audience is not only graced with a healthy dose of baby cackling, Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon) being weird, and an unfortunate cameo by comedian Jim Gaffigan, but plenty of juicy one-liners to boot:

"How do I apologize for raising the dead?"

"If my mom knew I was at a Séance with you, I'd be grounded for sure."

"There is nothing girls like more than to be scared out of their minds."

This also happens

The movie is not available in stores so you'll have to find it online.